It's a new day

This morning was our first morning without David. And it was...okay! A few things slipped through the cracks, but we did manage to accomplish other stuff that might have been overlooked on any other day. So, I felt good about that.

I've complained that we've had David home with us for less time than he'd been away. He left January 2, 2008 and got home in late August -- almost nine months away. He was home from August thru January 19, 2009 -- only five months together. And now he's gone again. But now that we're settling back into life sans David, I noticed that this morning didn't seem too unfamiliar. It's been as recent as May of '08 that I was living the exact same way. And much to my surprise, this morning took on something of a familiar feel, like I hadn't unlearned the habits I'd picked up the first time around.

When I think of those first eight months without him, it makes me want to vomit. It was a glorious time of proverbial beat-downs and kidney punches; my grandmother died, I was diagnosed with some fairly sizable health issues, and my boss was, let's just say, less than understanding. No...no, she was a complete and total raving lunatic bi-otch...I'm callin' a spade a spade. Because I can. ...But the point is -- I learned. I learned a lot. And, although I can't say I emerged from those eight months unscathed, I did live through it...life lessons and scars in tow.

My friend Kendra used to have a t-shirt of a man lying on railroad tracks with a train speeding over him. He was visibly screaming and his arms outstretched. (It wasn't a gross depiction, I promise! It was very much comical. I'll see if she still has it and post a pic sometime.) And the caption was, "This, too, shall pass." For eight long months, I imagined myself in his place...only I wasn't sure any of it would pass. At the time, it seemed more reasonable and more probable that I'd be living from underneath that train indefinitely. Furthermore, I was entirely confident that my circumstances could, at any moment, kill me at will. But...I did survive...and by the grace of God alone, I might add. Because, I certainly wasn't making any of my own attempts to survive, that's for sure. And so, one morning I woke up, and it was over.

Looking back, I think I was as much surprised as I was relieved that I had made it through. And now, I know I can do it. Whether I particularly want to, or not -- I can. At least, I'm pretty sure I can. And for now, that will do.

*****

So much, much more to come. I've got tons to write, and I look forward to doing so! But for now, I have a coffee date -- and I'm absolutely giddy with excitement! I'm headed to Starbucks to commiserate with one of the wives whose husband is deployed with David and also in the band! Real life Army wife bonding time!! I thought it would never happen! (It's the little things!)

Have a beautiful day!

Love and mocha lattes!

It ALL goes

"It ALL goes"

I tried to get a picture of the mountain of stuff in our living room floor, but the picture just doesn't do it justice. Oh, and there was more on the couch. And in the bedroom. And out in the car. But this was a good start.

David got his packing done yesterday. Well, most of it, anyway. I was amazed! at how much stuff he has to take! I guess it shouldn't be that surprising. This is the gear he'll need for a whole year, I suppose. I mean, if I'm being honest, he didn't really have that much more than I used to take to a twirling contest for my team or to a football game for my colorguard....as long as I'm being honest. This is A LOT of stuff, I mused. What's he gonna put it all in? On cue, he comes in from the garage carrying a fantastic rolling duffle/footlocker/trunk thing. He fluffed it open and I was in awe. Not only was it big enough to easily hold both my kids, but it was made so well! (For me, it's all about details!) It was made from a great, heavy nylon, had tons of outside pockets, a U-shaped zipper, and, and, it even had cushions you could velcro into the interior to make compartments!

"Wow." I muttered. Eyes wide, mouth agape.

David saw my obvious approval. "Pretty nice, huh?"

"Well, yeah....But, all I can think is, Oh MY GOSH!...If only I'd had one of those during football season!"

"Do I have it all?"

After the brief love affair with David's duffle bag, the reality of what he was doing started to set in. It's only mild panic. I'm still good. Instead of watching him pack, I heated up some vegetable beef soup and focused on picking out the carrots. (Doing some sort of meticulous fine motor activity is usually pretty soothing for me, like with jewelry making, or calligraphy, or picking carrot bits from soup.) Sadly, there can be but one outcome. There were no survivors.

I relaxed on the sofa with my mushy-carrot-free soup, and David began giving me directions on how he'd like me to spend this coming year, things he'd like done while he's away. Finally! I'd been waiting for some kind of advice from him all along...some words of encouragement to help me navigate the year ahead. I was like Luke listening to Yoda's last words, as Yoda told him everything he needed to know before he confronted Darth Vader. And since our battle with this deployment is looming, I'd been needing some clear, laid-out directions from David...seeing as The Force seems to be a rather unreliable form of communication, especailly from Iraq.

He told me things like, buy a new couch and maybe a new T.V., get rid of the freakin' papasan, enroll the kids in extracurriculars as soon as we can...stuff like that. And even though these were things I'd already planned to do, it made me feel better knowing that's what he wants, too. We talked about balancing between "pay off debt" and "buy new things." And frequently, he would bring up something that needs to be done, then say nothing more than, "I trust your judgement." Even that seemed especially helpful.

"Hey, baby! Wha'CHU doin?"

David in his new goggles. He's so handsome!

*****

***And now to introduce a little segment we like to call,

"The Army Way."***

"Hey, I think I'm gonna take our little flashlight with me."

"But what about the big flashlight they issued you? Do you need ours as well as that one?" I asked.

"Actually, I don't need the big one at all. They suggest you carry a small flashlight with you at all times. One that can fit in your pocket. So, I'll take our little one and I'll leave the big one here with you guys."

"Why would they issue you a flashlight you don't need to take, and suggest you take one that you have to provide on your own?"

All together now! "...Because that's The Army Way!"

*****

"Maybe this will help"

David tried deciphering the list with his goggles on. As if wearing some kind of Army gear will help him "feel" the list...become one with the list.

"What? I never even got four pairs of socks!"

Even after everything was packed, there were still a few things David would need to get before he'd be ready to go.

*****

During my three years in Kansas City, I often lamented my lack of new friends and close ties. My entire time there I hardly ever traveled outside my little triangle -- home to Target, home to church, church to Target -- none of which were even a mile from my house. It was rare to ever go beyond that. I felt like I was living underground, living down inside a pit. I wondered when I would feel like I "fit" into Kansas City, would I ever feel like I fit? My neighbor and I hung out a lot, but we were each too busy with our own children to make any real, meaningful bonds. I stayed in touch, off and on, with my girlfriends from college. And Lauren, Mamy, Jamie, and Adrianne all took a turn coming to KC to see me. It was during their visits that I saw daylight. I owed them my sanity.

Now we're in Killen. The armpit of Texas it may be, but something has changed, dramatically. In the last two weeks there have been over 40 new friends added to my Facebook page, and none of them strangers. I talk to my girlfriends more now...they call me and I call them. I answer emails and send comments. I'm posting more pictures and writing again. It feels like I'm being, for lack of a better word, exhumed...lifted from my pit and dusted off. And aside from the dread, panic, anxiety, and fear that slap me down every so often, I feel...happier, I think.

Most of all, I am blown away by the numbers of well-wishers who've reached out to me. People I've not seen or spoken to, in some cases, for 20 years! I don't go to movies with them, or out for drinks, or have play dates, or work in the same building. Still, they have all freely sent me their prayers, kind words, and much-appreciated advice. I can't say this with any certainty, but I think I might just make it through the next 12 months...with sanity intact. I'm hopeful, and that's more than I was before.

So much time spent needing new friends. How could I have known? ...The new friends I needed were the old friends I'd had all along.

Love and warm golden fuzzies...

T-minus and counting

I'm so tense, I can hardly breathe. I just got up from a nap -- a restful one, too -- so I'm not sure why all the anxiety. David is scheduled to leave on the 17th. Next Saturday. Six days from now. Less than a week left. I suppose that may have something to do with my difficulty breathing, since my chest is constricting even as I write.

There's so much left to do, and none of it, it seems, can be accomplished simultaneously. I want David to help me move things out of the house that I don't want to take to Durant. I want to sit around as a family and play Uno Attack or Mancala. I want the kitchen and living room cleaned and rid of anything unneccesary. I want David to spend each day doing whatever it is he pleases. I want, and continue to want....and after all the wanting, the wishing begins -- and my breathing becomes more and more shallow.

I think it's funny (in a not-funny kind of way) how people say to me admiringly, "We could never do what ya'll are doing. It would be too hard. We don't know how ya'll do it." I can't find adequate words to convince them that we are no different from them...I am no different from them. I don't feel like I can do this. I'm not extra strong or super prepared or "prayed up" or anything at all. This is a job David took, for us as a family, and now we, as a family, have joined the Army. It's his job, and now he's having to do some business traveling...for 12 months....in Baghdad. For work.

Sometimes I think surely this would be easier if I'd come in to this lifestyle earlier, if I weren't such an old dog trying to learn this new trick. I'm not 19, I'm not straight out of school, my parents weren't military, David's family wasn't military. I do have a brother who served for four years. He did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq, was stop-lossed, and now he's out and seldom has a kind word for the Army. But even though my brother and I are close, I wasn't able to learn much about Army life from him. My uncle was Army, and now he's Reserve. But we hardly spent any time with him during my youth, so no "military experiences" could be gleaned from that relationship either. This lifestyle could not be more brand new to any of us. And I can't emphasize enough how much it feels like I've been moved to a foreign country, only everyone speaks English and none of it makes sense.

*****

***And now we will begin the "Frequently Asked Questions" portion of our program. If you are unable to find answers to your most burning questions, please forward them to our producers and we will answer them in turn. Thank you in advance for your consideration.***

1. Why did ya'll join the Army?

We moved to Liberty, MO, an awesome suburb of Kansas City, so David could pursue his graduate degree in Jazz Studies at UMKC. After about a year, David was playing trumpet full-time for several Latin and salsa bands and subbing in lots of other bands, too. Not long after that, he took a hiatus from UMKC as the schedules of full-time grad student and full-time musician weren't compatible. Some time later, we felt his music career had stalled and was in need of a push. (This is where I come in....*sigh*....) I began checking online for studio musician vacancies or big name acts who were forming tour bands -- anything, actually. I looked into everything I could find. From site to site, I continued to see postings looking for musicians to join the military, and trumpets were always in need. I casually mentioned it to David, saying something like "The numbers they have advertised seem really good. Maybe you should check into it." He was silent -- and he stayed that way for almost three days. On the morning of day three he said he was going to call the Army recruiter. The very next evening I was staring at an Army recruiter sitting at my dining room table. This is fine, I thought. Just because he's here doesn't mean anything will come of it. We're just talking, that's all. ....Just talking. 10 days later, on December 14, 2007, David was sworn in. Then, on January 2, 2008, he left for Basic Combat Training. He was four months shy of his 35th birthday.

2. What will you do after David leaves?

Originally my plan was to move to Charlotte, NC. Both of my brothers are settled out there now and every time I've been to Charlotte, I've loved it. It's so beautiful out there and winters are mild, which makes me happy. But besides all that, my brothers and I rarely ever see each other. We were all three together for David's graduation in March of 08, but prior to that it had been more than four years since the three of us had all been together....since my dad's funeral. (I'd seen Daniel once during those four years, but it was only for a day, and it was a very unfortunate occasion.) I figured, what better way to spend the year than with family? So in November I started looking for a place to live. I kept close tabs on the Charlotte Craig's List, my brother's were doing their fair share of house hunting, and I even had a realtor who kept in touch with me regularly. But the longer we looked, the more evident it became that moving from Killeen to Charlotte was going to be quite difficult, especially once we considered facts like, we'd only be living there for 12 months, and this move (as well as the move back to Killeen 12 months from now) would be entirely out of our own pockets. It started to look nearly impossible...like more stress than I wanted to take on. But it was what I wanted, I want to live with my family!, so I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.

Christmas came and we spent our break in Durant with David's family. I tentatively began toying with the idea of just moving back there. After all, I'd graduated from Southeastern OSU in Durant and I'd lived there for almost 10 years....Moving back would be something like moving home. The cost of living there would be considerably less than living in Charlotte, or even Killeen. I already have doctor's in Durant; my optometrist, the kids' pediatrician, even my ob/gyn...and lord knows how stressful it is shopping for a new one of those! Besides all of that, Dave's family is well known in the community -- their name is known and respected, and that comes with benefits.

At the half, it looks like our score is Durant-4, Charlotte-1. Still, no amount of decision-whittling does any of us any good without a place to live, right?

Saturday night after the Farewell Party that Dave's folks threw for us, my SIL Cari and I went to Chili's and talked things over. (I process thoughts so much better out loud. Then I can hear how ridiculous my ideas really sound.) We came up with a plan -- Tomorrow morning, we would look at the Sunday paper and see what's listed...Then drive around and check out the market, just see what's available. Good plan, easy enough. Sunday morning came and something came up. Cari and her fam had to leave before we could go on our rental tour of Durant. But no matter. I still had the plan, I'd just have to go it alone. Fishing through the Sunday paper, I asked Dave's folks where the classifieds were. I mentioned casually that I wanted to look at rentals in Durant. 10 minutes later, Dave's mom was on the phone with a realtor getting all kinds of inside intel. (I mentioned they had lots of friends, right? My SIL Rhonda jokes about having our own mini-mafia. And right then, it was working for me.) I figured we'd hear something in a few days or so. I was wrong! Monday morning, the realtor called and said she had houses for me to see. "I'll pick you up in 15 minutes, okay?" Whoa! Umm.... "Can we make it 20?" I still needed to get ready. 15 minutes later, she was there. 24 hours after I decide to look for houses in Durant, a realtor shows up with a list of properties. Hmmmm.... Minutes later, David and I were walking through a home that, for all intents and purposes, met every last one of our housing stipulations. Wow....That was strangely easy. Okay. Okay! After that, I spent the rest of the morning either sobbing or close to it. It was clear I wasn't going to get my way. My family would be provided for, we would have a good home, nice neighborhood, seconds from the grandparents house, excellent school, close to Dallas (which does makes everything better), near most all of my college girlfriends and my sisters-in-law, as well as all the pros already mentioned! But, I still wasn't getting my way. I had already imagined the year in Charlotte with my brothers and how amazing it would be. And now, I was very much grieving the loss of that year and all its memories, time I had so desperately wanted to spend near my family.

By the afternoon, though, I had reconciled with the decision. I'd always said where ever we wound up moving, it would have to be easy. For this imminent move to Durant, there were no countless hours spent searching Craig's List, no list of phone calls made, and not a single minute spent researching elementary schools. The months of labor I'd invested in finding the perfect home with the perfect school in the perfect area of Charlotte...it got me nowhere. Trying to move to Durant, well, honestly, it was pretty impossible to get any easier.

3. How do ya'll like Killeen?

We don't.

We were given a few choices to pick from for our duty station. And seeing that one of the choices was Texas (along with Hawaii, Alabama, and Korea), we naturally chose to come back to God's country. Yay, Texas!

Then...we got here.

I'll save my philosophical analysis of Killeen for a different post. I'm going to post pictures with it, too, so I'll need to get some more of those. In the meantime, I will tell you all the things we do like about Killeen: 1. We are now only 4 1/2 hours from Durant rather than eight or nine like we were in KC, 2. We are a mere 55 minutes from IKEA Round Rock. And that's just plain awesome. And, 3. We only need to drive 30 minutes in any direction to be back in real Texas. All things considered, it could be worse, I know. So for now, for the next three weeks, Killeen is just fine.

4. How does David feel about all this?

David hasn't packed yet -- packing makes everything so final. He's dreading being gone from his family for 12 months. He hates thinking about all the events he'll miss during this coming year; Isaiah turning 8, Lydia turning 7, our 10 year anniversary, school parties and pictures, lost teeth, field trips...Christmas.

So, how does David feel? He is honored and humbled to be serving his country. He is, without question or hesitation, proud to be a part of history in the making for our great nation. And his children know their father is an American soldier, and he walks taller with the confidence that they will be proud of him for his service to America, no matter the outcome.

"I feel like it's my duty...or my responsibility...my job to serve now, so that maybe in the future, Isaiah and Lydia won't have to."

That is how David feels about this.

*****

We played frisbee this afternoon. God, I love being in Texas! It's winter in the rest of the world, and we were outside in flip-flops and T-shirts. I made Indian Butter Chicken for supper. It was really good, I actually didn't make enough! David and I got about four or five bites of chicken and the kids ate all the rest. They would've eaten more had there been any left. And if you have any idea how picky my children are, then you'll understand what a success tonight was.

I love writing. It's very theraputic for me. But I generally have difficulty keeping a steady pace on blog posts. My life is kind of hectic and I consider writing to be an indulgence, part of my "me" time. As a result, it doesn't get done very often. But, I'm hoping.....like I always do.....that I'll somehow learn to dedicate time for writing.

That would make me happy.

Love and sunshine.....